Beauty Within Chaos
To be frank, I'm tired. I'm very much a "go-go-go" girl and can push my limits quite far to accomplish goals, but my body and mind can only take so many hits. There have been too many bullet points on my to-do list, too many emotions, too many hours on my feet, and too many sweet moments gone underappreciated. Last week I reached a breaking point and had a mini breakdown due to true exhaustion and frustration; crying included. It wasn't pretty, but sometimes life isn't. Despite this, I sense there are opportunities to learn from the ugly to reconnect with silver linings.
On top of an already stressful lifestyle, living with chronic anxiety is a commitment I never asked for, but I'm trying to manage it the best I can. Keep reading for a few reminders.
YOU CAN DO NOTHING
I always feel like I have to be doing something. Even when it's not necessary for me to be productive, I feel stressed, depressed, or guilty if I don't stay busy. Silly, I know. This is an added layer of stress I definitely don't need in my life. I'm learning that sleeping in late on the weekends or having a lazy Sunday won't make me a failure. Being engaged in doing nothing from time to time is actually doing something. The power in this is a great way to rest and strengthen the mind before it needs to kick forward into high gear again.
IT'S OK TO ACCEPT HELP
Sometimes I have a hard time asking for help from friends, family, or my team, because I want to prove that I'm capable. I'll shout from a mountain top that I'm a strong, independent woman who can take care of myself, but I've also learned that nothing is wrong with accepting help. I'm a busy girl with my mind running a marathon constantly, so accepting extra support has been a game changer. Of course since my birth, my mom has been my biggest supporter. She's basically my therapist, although I'm thinking of meeting with a real one soon. Then I have my boyfriend Vadym, the newest addition to my personal dream team. He's one of the most thoughtful, caring, detail-oriented, and attentive people I have ever met. From pep talks and heart to hearts, home-cooked meals, surprise notes in my work bag, walking on the street side of the side walk, to carrying 5+ bags just so I won't have to carry any, V has truly been so helpful for me to get through some rough waters.
Have you ever felt stuck? Like you were no longer in the driver's seat and couldn't change the route or speed of your own life? I have. A lot. And then I remember I'm ultimately in control. I can call the shots, as long as I'm not afraid to. If something's not making me happy, I can find a way to either improve it or cut it. Often easier said than done, but possible. If mistakes are made along the way, I try to not be as critical on myself as I have in the past. I will have hopefully learned from my slips ups and will be more prepared for the next round.
Again, I'm tired. Scratch that. FATIGUED (especially after a wild 80+ hour production week for Create & Cultivate LA). And life isn't always pretty, but I'd like to think I can still find beauty within chaos. The above lil' reminders, good people in my life, and fun creative collabs like my shoot with Madison, help me find it.